Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Rules of Conspiracy Theories

Since I made the mistake of starting a debate with conspiracy theorists, I figured now would be a good time to repost my rules of conspiracy theories. You see, conspiracy theorists live in a different reality then the rest of us, in a world unrestricted by science and logic. Maybe someday we will get the opportunity to study them in laboratories, but now we must attempt to observe them in their natural environment, the Internet.

Conspiracy theorists differ from normal thought and logic, but they tend to follow these general rules.

1. It is only necessary to observe the evidence that you wish to.For example, the moonbats who believe that a cruise missile hit the Pentagon. As "proof" of this they cite a man who said he saw a plane hit the pentagon "like a cruise missile", ignoring the concept of a simile, and the fact that he, along with thousands of other people saw a "plane" hit the pentagon.

2. A lack of evidence is only proof of the depth of the cover-up.

Pretty self explanatory, I would have the evidence if only they hadn't covered it up so well!

3. Anyone who doesn't agree with a conspiracy theory is either part of the cover-up (see rule 2) or just a close minded drone of the government.

4. The law of inverse proportionality of authority.The validity of any source is inversely proportional to its authoritativeness .

Any government commission, serious academic (not those who teach humanities at Berkeley), law enforcement official, or politician, ie. the people who are in the position to actually know, are immediately suspect because they were probably involved in the conspiracy in the first place. Someone completely removed from the situation, like some guy posting on his website while watching reruns of Star Trek in his parents' basement is more likely to be untainted.

5. Occams Corollary: The complexity and difficulty of a conspiracy theory is only proof of the depth and deviousness of the conspiracy.

6. The Law of Infinite Permutations: Even in the case that an infinite amount of statements are proven wrong an equally infinite amount of new statements can be made.

For example: in a discussion I had the moonbat asserted that no black boxes were found from the 9/11 crashes. When I pointed out that the black boxes from the Pentagon and Pennsylvania crashes had in fact been found, he changed his argument to "OK, well 2 of them have been found, but the data has not been released". I then pointed out that in fact they played the cockpit voice recorders to members of the families who requested. His argument then changed to, "well they were probably faked". And this of course can go on ad infinitum.

In mathematical terms:

Conspiracy Theorist (CT) states 2 + 2 = 5
Level Headed Skeptic (LHS) proves this is false 2 + 2 = 4
CT counters, no 2 + 3 = 6
LHS proves otherwise, 2 + 3 = 5
CT counters, no 2 + 4 = 7...
And this of course goes on forever. Thus CT can never actually be proven wrong.


At 09 May, 2006 22:54, Blogger Pat said...

Yes, I realized what a fool's errand it was to deal with these guys when they wheeled out the 1989 Washington Times article about a young boy sex ring in the White House. What does that have to do with Loose Change? Aw, your mom wears army boots!

At 10 May, 2006 09:10, Blogger JoanBasil said...

Try to check this out, please, re the only black box that has been found intact.

I have read that the cockpit voice recorder picks up cabin noise on that tape and that the cockpit door is supposed to have been closed. Also, at the very end, when (supposedly) the terrorists are dive-bombing the plane into the ground for whatever reason, the recorder picks up "Allahu Akbar" but that is not what a religious Muslim would say at death.

At 10 May, 2006 12:38, Blogger shawn said...

Joan Basil, you couldn't be any more wrong. Fanatical Muslims often continually chant Allahu Ackbar at the imminent death of infidels (which would be what happened). Whenever someone says it's unrealistic that the hijackers would continually chant this, it proves they're ignorant. I've watched several videos of roadside bombs in Iraq and you hear the bombers behind the camera chanting "Allahu ackbar" over and over and over again as a military convoy comes by.

"For whatever reason"...hmm perhaps because the passengers were attempting to take back the plane? They'd look like awful fools if the infidels took back the plane and flew to safety.

Logic and information...they're wonderful things.

At 10 May, 2006 14:18, Blogger Michael said...

You sound like an ignorant, close minded fool.

Yes the blackboxes were found.
One of them was played for the families.
4 minutes were left out at the end.

Explain that. You can't, and we now have another conspiracy to combat...

At 10 May, 2006 14:34, Blogger forrest said...

Trying to convince these fools is an exercise in futility. Why not just let them keep their silly little conspiracy theories? Michael, Joanbasil...you guys are hilarious! Good luck with your mental illness.

At 10 May, 2006 16:34, Blogger gary said...

What is your take on charges that black boxes were found in the WTC, as in: http://www.counterpunch.org/lindorff12202005.html

At 10 May, 2006 16:42, Blogger James B. said...

As someone who has lived in Muslim countries and heard the calls to prayer hundreds of times I would have to say that is exactly what they would say in this situation. Click on the link for an example:


Besides, your theory is idiotic. Even if they were going to fake the tape, they would have had to get someone who spoke Arabic. Did they manage to find the world's only fluent Arabic speaker who knew absolutely nothing about Islamic culture? This is the same idiocy with the Osama ring theory. Even if it were faked wouldn't the stand-in know something about the culture?

At 14 May, 2006 15:06, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anoth rule of the conspiracy theory that hermetically seals them off from facts, logic, etc.

Any evidence contrary to their view was manufactured ... by the conspiracy.

So black boxes that show terrorists taking over the plane, evidence of the terrorists plans in Mohammed Atta's bags at a rental car in Logan, Bin Laden's acknowledge, etc. ... all of it ... what, created by Mossad!?!

"the recorder picks up "Allahu Akbar" but that is not what a religious Muslim would say at death."

JoanBasil, of course, knows what a *real* muslim terrorist would say at the time of completion of their suicide mission ...
Yeah right.

It's not a viewpoint, it's a mental disorder.

At 14 May, 2006 15:07, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Yes the blackboxes were found.
One of them was played for the families.
4 minutes were left out at the end."

Yet the 9/11 commission published the whole transcipt from it, including the last 4 minutes.


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